-----Original Message-----
From: Sean Hantz
To: Russell Hantz
Sent: Thu, Jun 30, 2011, 4:22 pm
Subject: Brandon has lost it
Hey little bro!!! What up dude!!! I'm rockin' it in the islands!!!
Am I ever glad I made this trip! Brandon's girl wanted to come down here, but I had to put my foot down. I was goin' to make sure MYSELF that the boy wasn't muckin' things up. And, bro, it's a good thing that I did - because that boy is a royal mess. There is no doubt about it - this was a pickle only his Daddy could fix. I just hope I wasn't too late.
I used to let his mother take him to the local prayer meeting every once in awhile because it gave me a chance to slip over to Big Billy's for a couple of longnecks with the boys, and I figured a little religion never did hurt nobody. But, I had no idea my son would turn into a fire-breathing, hell & brimstone type!!! I can't believe he's still even in the game!
Russell, honest to God, I have no idea what that Baptist on the corner of Main and Orchard has been telling Brandon all these years, but his revival meetin' is gonna be my first stop when I get my tired butt back to Texas, because I got a thing or two to say to that fellow - preacher or not! To think that my Annabelle has been puttin' on her best and sassyin' down to that fool's tent all these years and this is the reward I get? I got a boy who is a couple of moves away from a million bucks and he's talkin' about throwin' the whole thing for Jesus? For Jesus! He's got hungry mouths to feed at home and he thinks throwin' a million bucks to Jesus might be God's plan?!?! Good Lord!
I told that boy that his mother has already given enough to Jesus in the collection plate and there was no need to be givin' away no million dollar check on top of that. I told him straight out that Probst had been owin' the Hantz family a million dollar prize for quite some time, and we would be a collectin' this year - one way or the other. Jesus ain't Santa Claus, so God's plan was for Brandon to pull his head out of his keister and start working on getting to the finals any way he can.
Kids!!!! You can never tell if they hear a darn word your a sayin', so I went to that Coach fella - the one you pwned in Heroes - and I told him that Brandon here was a good boy and would do exactly as he says. But, he went on about dragons and such, and you would of thought I was back in King Arthur's court or somethin'. I don't know if he was happy with the advice, but you'd think a guy who had been pwned the two previous times he's played wouldn't mind a little assistant coaching once in awhile. Lord knows what will happen now, but I hope my talk bought Brandon some more playing time. But, the last thing I told the boy was that he better get his act together. I told him that I don't rightly know if God is out there with him on the island, but if he doesn't get his head on straight - they a-goin' to send his sorry butt to Redemption, and he's goin' to be spendin' his time with somebody who really thinks he is god, and there ain't nothin' worse than that.
After all that, back at the hotel bar, I went up to that Pretty Boy Probst, and you are right brother - is he ever the dweeb. Anyways, I says to him, why did you reject my audition tape all those times. If anyone could defend the Hantz name it would be me, not my son Brandon. And Probst, he's got nothing to say - he just blew me off like I was nuthin'. So I says to him for Chrissakes look at this cast - you got the dragon guy runnin' the whole thing, and I would have owned this group if I had been in the game. It would have been like the old days with Russell, because Brandon might be a Hantz, but not all the acorns fall the same distance from the tree - if you know what I mean? And again, Probst, he didn't say nuthin' back, he just looks at me. So I told him if Brandon doesn't win, he had gone and stole a million dollars from the Hantz family, and I ain't never gonna forget it, and he better never come around Katy, Texas, cause he ain't welcome there after puttin my boy on the show to make a darned fool of himself like he has. And Jeff, he just walks away like I couldn't kick his butt right then if I wanted to.
But, is it ever nice down here. Bro, you should have seen the girl Brandon gone and went and targeted on day one. She would go and make Pavarti- the one you was so sweet on - she would make Pavarti look like Roseanne. So, I sees her at the Ponderosa bar, and I apologize for Brandon being all ungentlemanly for targetin' her, and this Mikayla girl, she went and blamed me for the whole darn episode, like it was my idea to get rid of her in the first place! And there she was, the centerfold for February 2011 hootin' and a hollerin' at me about the Hantz family and this and that right in the middle of the bar, and it took near ten minutes before she got herself calmed down. So, there was no chance of gettin' her number after a row like that, so on top of nearly blowin' the million, my boy had gone and ruined any chances I might have had with a playmate in the South Pacific. Is there any end to Brandon's foolishness?
But, I wouldn't mind splittin' some season tickets to the Tampa Breeze if you are game?
See ya soon baby brother and Go Longhorns!
- Sean
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